'GUILT'

‘Guilt is primarily an emotion experienced by people who believe they have done something wrong. Guilt is an affective state in which one experiences conflict at having done something one believes one should not have done (or, conversely, not having done something one believes one should have done). It gives rise to a feeling that does not go away easily and is driven by conscience’.

Guilt is a destructive, powerful emotion linked to shame. You judge yourself by trying to live by standards dictated to you from your early learning role models and your environment, your culture and from the belief system that you have brought with you into adulthood. Some of these beliefs are out of date and inaccurate having being indoctrinated into all our lives in order to maintain control of the masses.  Before you feel guilty you have to say or do something that your belief system identifies is wrong. If you believe something you said or did was wrong it might be because you have been brainwashed with a code of behavior that was passed on to you during your childhood. In today’s culture, it is possible that your code of behavior might be considered old fashioned and inappropriate. During childhood you are dependent on your role models to show you what is right and what is wrong. But what happens if the information that is passed to you is wrong or outdated? What happens is that you still believe it! You accept, without question, the stuff that pops into your head and stick to it believing it to be right.  Everyone is familiar with ‘guilt.’ If you don’t have a conscience then you won’t feel guilty (psychopath). Guilt is what you feel when you believe you are responsible for an action or statement that you now regret.

How is guilt separated?

• True guilt

• False guilt

True guilt is the guilt you feel when know you have said or done something that goes against your moral code of conductFalse guilt is the guilt you will feel even when you have done nothing wrong at all. It feels like shame, even though you have no idea why it is you feel ashamed.

• The guilt of shame

• The guilt of embarrassment

• The guilt of humiliation

Here are some examples of why you feel guilty:

• You feel guilty when you believe you are responsible for any set of circumstances that you are involved in

• You feel guilty when you have a strong (moral) belief in right and wrong that hinders your enjoyment in doing something you want to do

• You feel guilty when you take responsibility for someone else’s problems

• You feel guilty when you look back on your life and regret having done something

• You feel guilty because of an irrational belief

• You feel guilty when you have said or done something to someone who is now dead

• You feel guilty when you believe you are responsible for stuff you are definitely not responsible for

Guilt: The word sounds ugly doesn’t it? It is a word that carries with it the most terrible haunting feelings that stick to you like glue. The questions you ask yourself cannot be answered by you on a rational level. You are burdened with the deed and the word and you feel you cannot escape or even believing that you don’t deserve to be free of the feeling of guilt.

Here are some examples of the questions you ask yourself if you feel guilty:

• Why couldn’t I have done more?

• Why did I do what I did?

• Why did I say that?

• Why didn’t I see what was going to happen?

• Why have I got to live with these feelings?

• Why didn’t I wait longer before leaving as I did?

• Why didn’t I lock the car?

• Why did I drive too fast?

• Why did I run away?

• Why didn’t I say goodbye when I had the chance?

• Why didn’t I take him/her to the Doctors sooner?

• Why didn’t I take the chance when I was offered it?

• Why have I got to put up with this?

• Why did I cheat?

• Why did I lie?

• What have I done that makes my life so awful?

• What have I done that is bad and is the cause of making my life such a constant struggle?

Guilt is an unpleasant emotional feeling that sticks to you like glue. It will never go away until you forgive yourself for that which you feel guilt about.

Here are some examples of where guilt comes from:

• Guilt comes from knowing you have said or done something wrong

• Guilt comes from knowing that you have said or done something inappropriate

• Guilt comes from your childhood, role models, environment

• Guilt comes from your early learning experiences at school, with friends and family

• Guilt comes from your religious beliefs

• Guilt comes from blame put on you by another person

I am sure you can add to this list. Whatever the circumstances of your guilt you are left with feelings of remorse and shame. One of the main reasons you carry guilt is that when you look back you can see that you could have done more, you could have handled the situation or person differently, the outcome could have been so different, probably better, who knows? The fact is that you can’t turn back the clock and re-do anything. You have to accept what you did, said, believed and decide to let go of any guilt and move on. The emotional weight of guilt is a burden and extremely heavy and you don’t want it anymore.

What are your negative beliefs when you feel guilty?

• You believe that you cannot stick to the rules

• You believe that you can decide to ignore the feelings of guilt for as long as you can (burying your head in the sand)

• You believe that you can decide not to feel guilty, believing guilt is for fools

• You believe that you are above having feelings of guilt because you are always right in all that you do

• You believe that you can make excuses for yourself in order to assuage your guilt

• You believe that you should blame someone else for your deeds and resulting guilt

• You believe that you will continue hurting and punishing yourself endlessly

• You believe that you should hate yourself

• You believe that God will punish you

There are many more that I am sure you can think of. The list is different for each of you. Just like every other emotion there is a positive as well as a negative side to guilt.

What are the positive beliefs when your feel guilty?

• You believe you must stop whatever it is you are doing that you believe is wrong

• You believe that God loves you no matter what you are doing

• You believe that you should love yourself

• You believe in fate and should accept what happens to you

• You believe that you can stick to the rules, and do so

• You believe you should face your fears and work through them

• You believe you should do the right thing and learn to live with the consequences

Guilt can be pro-active as well as re-active. There is a negative and positive side to all emotion.

Positive Guilt

Guilt used positively can be used to define the difference between right and wrong, moral and immoral. This type of guilt used positively is important and essential to maintaining a moral code of living, (The 10 Commandments is a basic moral code for living) If we fall from grace by disregarding one of the 10 Commandments we will be guilty of not adhering to the moral code set down for us by God. Our actions will be regarded as sinful and being sinful is a disgrace.

Here are some examples of positive guilt:

• Guilt demonstrates that you have a conscious

• Guilt that has turned from negative to positive can make you closer to your partner (paying him/her more attention, and mindful of their needs)

• Guilt can recognize when you have said or done something bad and gives you the opportunity to rectify the situation

• If you have suffered guilt you will be better placed to recognize this feeling in someone else and you can empathize with this person and try to help them overcome their guilty feelings

• Guilt allows you the opportunity to say sorry

• Guilt allows you the opportunity to make amends for any wrong doing

• Guilt can provoke a change in your attitude

• Guilt can provoke a change in your thinking (from negative to positive)

• Guilt can provoke a change in your action and reaction

• Guilt can motivate you to be sensitive to someone else’s issues

• Guilt can motivate you in helping other people with their guilt issues

• Guilt can reinforce you doing things the right, moral way

All the above and many more examples.

What can negative guilt do to you?

Here are some examples of what negative guilt can do to you:

• Guilt can make you physically unwell

• Guilt can make you anxious

• Guilt can make you depressed

• Guilt can make you stressed

• Guilt can make you unhappy

• Guilt can make you over conscientious

• Guilt can stop you doing or saying something (in fear of doing or saying the wrong thing)

• Guilt can make you too sensitive to the needs of others

• Guilt can stop you making decisions

• Guilt can make you emotionally blocked

Here are some examples how people make you feel guilty?

• People can make you feel guilty if you don’t react to them in the way they want

• People can make you feel guilty even when you know they are wrong

• People can make you feel guilt by reinforcing your irrational beliefs

• People can make you feel guilty by blaming you for something you did in your past or present

• People or partners can make you feel guilty when they are not personally responsible for their actions

• People can make you feel guilty when they are not accountable for their part in your relationship with them

• People can make you feel guilt by their continual judgment on things you do and say

• People can make you feel guilty by behaving like a ‘victim’ and expecting you to do things for them

• People can make you feel guilty by being martyr’s

Here are some examples of the things you say to yourself that reinforces feelings of guilt:

• I am bad and do not deserve to be happy

• I am responsible for my family’s happiness (there is some truth in this statement but you must remember you are not totally responsible for providing your family’s happiness, your partner is also responsible)

• I am responsible for my family’s financial circumstances (there is some truth in this, but again you must remember that your partner is also responsible in regard to this. If your partner is at home looking after the children he/she will help you with financial circumstances by budgeting carefully)

• I am responsible for all the hurt and pain my family experiences

• I am responsible for my children’s behavior when it’s bad (there is some truth in this, however, you can only do your best to teach your child manners and politeness) also you are only one part of the relationship and both partners are responsible

• I am responsible for not giving my family good holidays

• I am responsible for the way other people/partners treat me (you are only responsible for yourself)

• I am responsible for the way other people perceive me (always do the right thing even sometimes to my own detriment)

• I am responsible for making sure my children do not suffer as I did when I was a child (there is good in this thought. It becomes bad when you place unrealistic expectations on yourself to give more)

 This is a taste bite from a self-help book that is awaiting publication, called: 'How To Overcome Guilt: A Practical Guide'