10 Step Book Series

Lazy women in relationships:

Are women lazy, for different reasons, than men? Most of the women I know who, I believe, are lazy have become lazy because they have invested loads of effort into a project, namely, their relationship, for little or no results. In my opinion, women, generally, have more stamina than men. However, they cannot, consistently, put effort into their relationship without suffering long-term consequences. It takes a lot of effort to sustain your own energy levels without having the extra burden of thinking and acting on behalf of your significant other. These women, I have met, have carried their partners for years and have literally ‘burned out.’ I know, from first hand experience, what this feels like. You give your all to your partner. You love him so much, that you will do anything, and everything, to make his life comfortable. In behaving in this way, what you are actually doing is, colluding with you partner, in order for him to stay the same. Most women are natural nurturers. Caring, and helping others, is part of their makeup. Unfortunately, if your partner is unmotivated and helpless, with regard to tackling jobs around the house or problems that arise, then he will look to you to do all these things for him. You, being the caring and loving person you are, will respond by finding alternative options to handling these issues. You are not doing him, or yourself, any favors by continuing this particular strategy. Essentially you are making it ok for him to stay as he is. In other words, he has ‘opted out,’ with your blessing! I am not excusing women, in any way, and suggesting that there are no lazy women, (without apparent reason), in the same way as there are lazy men.

Women can be lazy for the following reasons:

• Over-worked

• Burned out

• Depressed

• Too much responsibility

• Bad time management (always tired)

• Lethargic

• Misunderstood

• Take on many roles

• Try to be everything to everyone

• Too compromising

• Too flexible

• Too reactive

• Under achieved (education and career)

• Domestic goddesses (do all household tasks)

Why are women hoodwinked so easily?

• Women have a need to nurture

• Women have become ‘superwomen’

• Women like power

• Women are happiest when running the show

• Women have a need to be needed

• Women want to show their man how wonderful they are

• Women want to be everything her man wants her to be, no matter the cost!

• Women are flexible and adaptable

• Women thrive on chaos and crisis

• Women strive for recognition and are prepared to reach a ‘burn out’ state in order to attain it

• Women give 150% to their partners

• Women are afraid to change their routine/habits in case the man in their life cannot accept it

• Women choose the path they take and like being martyrs

• Women are victims

• Women have been raised to expect ‘to do’ for their man

• Women believe that to prove their love they have to ‘run themselves ragged.’

The unfortunate circumstances you now find yourself in is that, you have an additional child in the house, he needs to be encouraged and supported in order to begin a process that will enable him to take equal responsibility and equal accountability in his adult relationship. Your man is in a comfort zone, and abusing his position, and you are the one who is keeping him there! You have to make sure he realizes that you are not a ‘push over.’ He needs to understand that you cannot, and will not, continue to live in this way! You need to rattle his cage and wake the lion up! How can you do that? It is possible to change your partner by changing the way you handle yourself, your behaviour, your reactions and in the situations that crop up.

How can you change?

• Don’t be at his beck and call

• Pretend you cannot do some things and ask for his help

• Don’t let things run smoothly. Let things go a bit awry sometimes and encourage him to help solve the problem.

• Don’t become lazy yourself in the hope that he will take over – he won’t!

• Start going out with your friends, without him

• Write down a list of things to do. Involve him in this process

• Make sure you have some money for you

• Ask him to make you a cup of coffee or ‘phone him from work and suggest he makes dinner

• Make a habit of going out one night a week to pursue your interests/hobbies

• Remember how you cajoled him, early on in the relationship, to do things he didn’t like. Use these tactics again

• Stop letting him rule you by ‘getting into your head.’ Keep some things to yourself. Become an enigma! Men love mystery!

I am sure you can add more to this list.

The secret to ‘personal emotional balance’ is

(a) learning to understand why you think and behave in the way you do

(b) Identify aspects of your character and personality that need changing, in order to be able to learn from your experiences and adapt to the continuing changes in your circumstances

(c) Flexibility in turning adversity into a positive outcome.

When you begin the process of change, you should do it slowly and sensitively! (See my book, ‘MY WAY’ to help you live in a difficult relationship). The strategy identified in my book will help you in your task to change yourself.