Love:

During my childhood, true love was epitomized by Doris Day and Rock Hudson. She is beautiful, he is handsome, they both lived in a fabulous house with roses around the door and have two well-behaved children! How misguided was I?

For generations that came after me, Prince Charles and Princess Diana depicted a loving relationship.  Indeed, the generation that followed these two role models, have similar role models by associating love with Jennifer Anniston and Brad Pitt.

Dictionary definition of Love:

‘Love is a strong liking for someone. It’s a strong affection for another person.

Biblical definition of love: 1 Corinthians.

·        Love is patient and kind

·        Love is not jealous or boastful

·        Love is not arrogant or rude

·        Love does not insist on its own way

·        Love is not irritable or resentful

·        Love does not rejoice at wrong

·        Love rejoices in right

·        Love bears all things

·        Love believes all things

·        Love hopes all things

·        Love endures all things

Love is a powerful force that captures you and holds you to ransom! You will do anything for the person you have ‘fallen in love’ with.  Believing ‘love conquers all.’  Falling in love is temporary insanity.  Your every thought is eroded, thinking about this person. You think about him/her 24/7. You feel you have met the person of your dreams and are fulfilling the fantasy of the mental picture you had created. It’s emotionally draining and stops you engaging fully in anything else. You will only see and hear what you want to, and will ignore anything that is in any way detrimental to the relationship. Remember, at this stage you will only see his/her good side and are ignorant of the manipulations that might be occurring.  Having said all that, it is, of course, a wonderful, magical, feeling!

 There are different types of love, i.e:

·        Unconditional love

·        Conditional Love

·        Sexual Love

·        Romantic Love

·        Affectionate Love

·        Platonic love

·        Passionate Love

·        Puppy Love

·        Infatuating Love

·        Committed Love

Unconditional Love

Is a love forever! Its all encompassing. It is a desire to share everything you are and everything you have with that one special person. Opinion varies greatly regarding unconditional love. Much is written about loving someone unconditionally. Shakespeare said, ‘Love is not love which alters when it alteration finds.’  My own belief is that unconditional love only exists as:

·        From God to us

·        From baby/toddler to parent/carer

·        From dog/animal to master

Loving someone unconditionally means that you will never expect them to be a ‘peace-at-any-price-person.’

All other love is conditional.

Conditional love says that I will love you if:

·        You are good to me

·        You are patient

·        You are understanding

·        You are employed

·        You are generous

·        You can DIY

·        You will respect me

·        We will join forces with me for our future together

·         You do not hurt me (physically or emotionally)

·        You will like my family

The list is endless!  I believe that we love each other ‘conditionally.’ Loving someone ‘conditionally,’ is having the need to control that person.  Control, manipulation and power are the same side of the emotional coin. You can control someone in many ways:

·        By intimidating

·        By interrogating

·        By physical violence

·        By bullying

·        By frightening

·        By the power of suggestion

·        By mind control (games people play to get their own way)

·        By false promises

·        By manipulation

Ask yourself this question.

·        ‘Who do you love conditionally?

·        Who do you love unconditionally?

  Be honest with your answer. Make a list. Write down the reasons you love each person in the way you identify.

This is a useful exercise for you to undertake, so that you can see what, how and why you feel the way you do about the word love.

The interpretation of love can be different for us all. Love doesn’t necessarily have the same interpretation for each of us. There is no right and wrong just a different view on the word Love. Be clear in what you believe Love is for you.

In a loving relationship, what do you expect from each other?

·        You expect love and romance to last

·        Understanding

·        To compromise

·        To share your feelings with your partner

·        To both be respectful of each other’s feelings

·        Sexual needs met

·        Comfortable life (financially)

Again you can add to this list!

How much of the above is realistic? The relationship will continue to be as you both want it to be as long as you both keep your hopes and dreams in the forefront of your mind.  After the ‘honeymoon’ period, when life settles down and routines are introduced into your daily life, it might be difficult to sustain your commitment to your hopes and dreams as other significant issues are brought into the equation, i.e. bills to pay, deadlines to meet, parents/in-laws to take into consideration,  children, work commitments, etc. It is at this point that disappointments occur and diversions take the focus away from your original plan.

The best way forward to achieving your hopes and dreams is, in the first instance, is to:

·        Make your expectations realistic!

·        Be honest with each other about the goals you identify

·        Expect hurdles/difficulties (it’s normal)

·        Accept that there will be changes in your relationship with having children, new jobs, extended family issues

·        Decide how both of you will deal with problems and stick to it!

·        Realise that life is no ‘picnic.’

·        Be fair and just with each other

·        Always practice putting your partner’s needs first

·        Don’t blame your him/her if you feel worthless

·        Accept you are responsible for you

·        Expect to sacrifice some of your pleasures for the good of the relationship

·        Learn and accept each others short falls.

·        Think before you re-act

·        Risk letting your partner see who you really are

·        Structure your life together to include joint ventures/hobbies

Good relationships take a great deal of effort and energy to keep them burning at the right temperature.  ‘The path of true love does not run smooth.’ As long as you both stay focused on your relationship, always ensuring both your needs are met, then you will have the prospect of a satisfying long-term relationship.

A good relationship should be based on the following suggestions:

·        Respect

·        Appreciation

·        Acceptance

·        Understanding

The most satisfying relationships are mutually supportive, honest and realistic.

Lynda Bevan